How to break the cycle of negativity in 4 simple steps

Ever find yourself caught in a spiral of complaint conversations that leave you feeling drained and pessimistic? Host Karen returns to ThirtyFiveSixtyFour after a year-long hiatus following an electrical fire, bringing hard-won wisdom about breaking free from what she calls “the negativity vortex.” Despite naturally leaning 80% positive, Karen discovered how easily she and her best friend had slipped into daily phone calls dominated by complaints about rising costs, work stress, and life’s general difficulties. What started as relating and supporting each other had morphed into a destructive pattern that fed on itself, gaining momentum like a psychological tornado.

Ready to escape your own negativity spiral? Karen shares her four-step recovery plan that transformed weeks of doom-scrolling conversations into uplifting daily exchanges. The solution isn’t about forced gratitude or toxic positivity—it’s about intentionally training your brain to notice what’s actually going well in real-time. Through a simple seven-day texting experiment with her friend, Karen demonstrates how our confirmation bias works both ways: if we look for problems, we’ll find them everywhere, but if we actively seek out small wins and smooth moments, those multiply too. Listeners will discover practical strategies for identifying when they’re stuck in the vortex, recruiting accountability partners, and rewiring their mental focus toward what’s working rather than what’s broken.

In this episode:

• (00:00) Karen’s Return: Back Home After Electrical Fire Recovery
• (02:30) Recognizing the Negativity Vortex Pattern
• (05:45) How Complaint Conversations Spiral Out of Control
• (08:20) The Psychology Behind “You Find What You’re Looking For”
• (11:15) Why Our Brains Amplify What We Focus On
• (14:00) The Four-Step Program to Break Free
• (16:30) The Seven-Day Texting Experiment Rules
• (19:45) Real Examples: What “Going Well” Actually Looks Like
• (23:10) Why This Isn’t Just Another Gratitude Practice
• (26:00) How Confirmation Bias Works For and Against Us
• (29:20) Accountability Partners: Choosing the Right Person
• (32:15) Results: How Conversations Transform in One Week
• (35:00) New Tip Button Launch for Podcast Support
• (37:30) Season Relaunch and What’s Coming Next

Resources:

ThirtyFiveSixtyFour WebsiteNew Tip/Donation Button

About:

ThirtyFiveSixtyFour is a podcast for listeners between the ages of 35 and 64. Available on all major podcast platforms, the show offers an engaging journey through the various challenges and experiences of midlife. ThirtyFiveSixtyFour presents a distinct departure from the traditional midlife crisis storyline. Instead, it champions the perspective that midlife should be viewed as a period marked by play, discovery, transformation and possibility.

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Episode Transcript:

Welcome to thirtyfivesixtyfour, a podcast for the middle. I am so happy to be with you today. It’s been a long break. I am finally moved. If you can see behind me and you’re watching on YouTube, I am back in my house after over a year when I had an electrical fire. It’s been quite a journey getting everything back in place and working with insurance.

I am so grateful to be home and you can see behind me I’m in a bit of a new studio environment. This is my first recording back at it in the new studio. So, so, so good to be with you today we are diving into what I’m gonna call the negativity vortex. So. I have to tell you, I lean very positive. In fact, I’m probably, hmm 80% positive if I were to break it down in percentages.

I know all of us land on a different scale. Many of us are neutral and some of us even land on that negative side. I do think that a lot of this can be trained and we can focus in new areas, but. Being that I am very positive, I noticed that in the last few weeks I got sucked into. What I am calling a negativity vortex.

So what is that? It’s basically negative thoughts that feed off each other and many times feed off a friend or friend groups and it just picks up speed and starts moving and it really kind of does some destruction. I noticed this when I was chatting with one of my best friends. We talk on the phone every day and.

We started swapping all sorts of stories on a regular basis about what was difficult in the day. Oh my gosh, I’m so distracted at work. Or, oh my gosh, why is it so expensive to eat out right now? I used to be able to go to happy hour and get out of there with a burger and a glass of wine for 20 bucks, and now it’s 80.

What happened? You know what’s going on with the interest rates, all sorts of conversation about what’s happening in everyday life. But we just started complaining and seeing everything with this like negative slant. Oh, things are so bad and it’s so difficult. And the interesting thing is, is it really becomes this sort of vortex.

Where you feed off of each other. It’s not that you’re trying to one up somebody, it’s that you’re trying to relate to them and understand them and share your bad story. You’re not the only one having a bad day. And I noticed this went on for a good couple of weeks. We got into this pattern where most of our conversation was slanted negative.

We were finding. Sharing what was not working in our lives. And I noticed this after one particular phone call where we both had a particularly bad day and I noticed, oh my gosh, we’ve gotta do something about this. This is not working for me. This is not working for you. We’ve gotta pull ourselves out of this negativity vortex.

So I have to share the famous quote. You find what you are looking for. And one of my favorite examples of that is when you’re driving around and you’re noticing specific car types, have you ever thought, oh, I’m gonna go buy a, new Bronco. So all of a sudden your brain sees Broncos all over the place. I noticed.

I was nervous about my kids riding e-bikes everywhere, and now I notice kids on e-bikes everywhere speeding and being out of control. I really never noticed them before, and now I see it all the time. Our brain is flooded with stimulation all day long, and it has to weed out the things that we’re not focused on, the things that we’re not.

Identifying as important. So the more we think about something, the more our brain believes that that is important to see and call out, and then we’ll begin to focus on. So some of this vortex stuff we actually do to ourselves. And it’s just how our brain works. So here is how I pulled myself and my girlfriend together.

, We did this as a team out of the negativity vortex one, I just identified that we were in it. What in the world are we doing? Two. I said, we’ve gotta do something about this. So will you be my person that I can text? Every day for the next seven days with five things that are going well.

Now, this is different than a gratitude list. This isn’t, you know, I’m grateful that I have a glass of cold water. I’m grateful for, my children. No, no, no. This is actual things that are going well. They can be small or big. And it helped us start to look for things to be grateful for. Like I said, it’s not necessarily the things so much as it is the happenings, the moments, So let me tell you about how we did this. But first off, I’m gonna share this in the show notes here. I have to share a screenshot of what my friend said. I said, let’s do this for one week, and, find five things every day and just text ’em at any time in a chunk piecemeal, whatever it is. And she wrote back.

That seems like a lot, meaning finding five things that were going well. Was a lot. I sort of laughed. I knew it wasn’t, and so I dug in. So the next day we started this text exchange and sometimes all of those text messages would come in early in the morning. Sometimes they would come in throughout the day.

And it was so interesting because I started loving to see her messages. They made me feel positive things were going well for her. Really small things like, Hey, I had the chance to swing by Starbucks for my favorite iced tea and. There was no line today at FedEx when I went to ship a bunch of important documents, small things that I know make a big difference in her life, but truly, you know, if they go well, it kind of makes the day a little bit easier.

And so every time I was getting these messages from her. They were very small things, but it made me feel good too. And they were happening to her. They weren’t even happening to me. And I think it did the same for her. I would text things, , really, really funny things. In fact, I’ll list a bunch of them in the show notes so you can see exactly the kind of messages that we were swapping.

But they were basic things that happened, that went well, that went good and. After we started doing this, it was really interesting because although it was a stretch to feel like five, it started getting easier and easier, and then I noticed some of the tone of our conversations even changed to focus on all of the good.

So I’ve got this four step program for you. It is identify that you’re in the vortex. Ask a friend to do this experiment with you and specifically ask a friend that you know will keep you accountable. We’ll stick to it and probably someone that knows you pretty well, so you don’t have to give them a lot of context.

The next step number three is text every day for one week. Five things that are going well for you. This is not a gratitude list. This is what is happening in the moment. It’s a difference, and you’ll know what I mean. When you start exchanging these things. Then at the end of the seven days, notice if your disposition, particularly the conversations that you have with this person, if it’s changed you, has it helped you find the good, instead of focus on the bad, There’s something called confirmation bias, and I’m sure you all have heard that, played out in different areas sometimes health, politics, relationships. But I do wanna remind you that your brain is going to look to confirm what you believe. Back to that quote at the beginning. You find what you’re looking for.

You will find what you’re looking for, and if that’s negative, you’re going to find it. If that’s positive, you are going to find it. I truly believe that we all have the ability. To look at our lives in a more positive way that just makes things more satisfying, more joyful, easier. , We all wanna live with ease and peace, and I think you and I can do that better if we notice when we get into this negativity vortex.

With friends or in our mind and work our way out. I hope my four step plan is helpful for you. There’s a couple of other things I wanted to mention. We have been asked so many times, how can we support the podcast? We have a new tip. Button in our show notes. If you have found this episode is helpful, we would love to know that by a comment and even a small tip.

They’re greatly appreciated. They help us run all of the behind scenes costs of the podcast. So if you’re looking for a great way to support us, I’d encourage you to look for that in the show notes. Thanks again. I can’t wait to be in touch with you as this next season launches. 

And that brings us to the end of another episode. I hope you enjoyed the content, and I’d love it if you would share this with a friend or family that you think would enjoy it. This is such a great time, middle age, and I wanna spread that message. The best way to do that is to share it, and if you haven’t already followed us or subscribed, make sure to do that so you don’t miss any of our new content.

I’m going to leave you like I do every episode. Remember, it’s never too late. You are not too old, and you’re definitely not dead.