Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:08] Welcome back. It's season two of 3564. I am so excited to be back with you. It was a wonderful two month break for our team. A lot of us went on vacation, we spent time with our families. We ramped up some new interns who are helping behind the scenes. And for those of you who remember, I had a fire at my home last summer and I have finally started the construction process of getting everything back in place. So it has been quite a busy two months, but really good to be back here. We have such so many good things in store for you this season and the experts, we've lined up the topics. It's all good, good, good. So I hope you'll join us for the entire season two of 3564. Today I am going to talk about therapy and I, I've put together a bunch of thoughts that I want to share with you because all of my friends ask me the same questions. I thought, hey, a bunch of you probably have similar questions and why not debunk some of the myths around therapy? And then I want to give you some interesting takeaways as well. So if one day you decide to pursue individual therapy, counseling, maybe even it's coaching, here are some of my insights. So the first thing that I have to mention is I really stumbled upon getting into individual therapy in an unusual way. I have a girlfriend who was struggling in her relationship and she had confided in me that a therapist in her past was really helpful in getting her through some really tough questions. And this girlfriend of mine was in another situation and she was sort of stuck trying to make choices. And I said to her, hey, why don't you go see that therapist again? You really liked him. And she sort of chuckled back to me and said, why don't you go see a therapist? And I said, I will. I will if you do. And I think I sort of threw that out there, not knowing what the results would be. And what do you know, she texted me the next day and she had lined up a therapy appointment for herself. So being the good friend that I was, I thought, okay, I better get this on my schedule. Let's do this. So I really stumbled into getting into individual therapy in a really unusual way. So my first myth that about therapy is if you went in the past and it was absolutely terrible, it doesn't mean your next experience is going to be terrible. I'm going to look at you right here in the eye and tell you I was in couples therapy for I don't know, maybe it was a year and it was hell. I dreaded the sessions.
[00:03:44] Nothing was changing. I kept on writing checks to this woman who really just seemed to be listening to me fight with my last husband. And, oh, gosh, I just think about that experience. Even when I drive by the office that I went to. I don't know, I cringe and feel kind of weird. And that experience was so bad that I never thought that therapy could be positive. I never thought I would have a good experience. So I want to tell you that. Wow. Oh, wow, things change. I'm not going to speak to couples therapy anymore because that's not what I'm tackling. However, individual therapy is amazing. You get to choose the topics. You get to tackle what's most important to you. You're not spending your hour, or technically, I would say 50 minutes, you know, jockeying with somebody, trying to win. If you had a bad experience in the past, I highly, highly suggest you give it another shot. You could just change your life. I think that is true. My next piece that I want to mention is that therapy is embarrassing and for losers. So this is an interesting topic. I think that our younger generations are really welcoming of therapy, mental health, and openly speaking about their concerns. And some of our older generations, Gen X baby boomers in particular, do still struggle with admitting that they are in therapy or are interested in therapy. One of the things that I've done is I've actually started just using the phrase, oh, my therapist told me. And people will look at me and say, why are you in therapy? And it's interesting because I'm able to tell them I'm in therapy to work on myself. And they actually quickly say, wow, that's really interesting. Tell me more. And what has been so fascinating is as I kind of unravel with some safe people why I am in therapy, they really come to a place to respect my choice to go to therapy instead of seeing it as some sort of weakness. Now I actually think that it is much, much weaker to know that you have some sort of problem or your life isn't being lived to the fullest because you are facing some sort of barrier, trauma issue. You know it's there and you pretend it's not and you don't do anything about it. That's weakness, if you ask me, proactively going to seek help so you can make a difference in your life and really, really bring out the maximum potential that you have to enjoy every day. That's strength. That's forward thinking. That's Wisdom. So I just wanted to mention that it is absolutely not weak to go to therapy. In fact, I would suggest the converse that it is weak if you need therapy and avoid it. So I thought that was worth mentioning. So one of the interesting things that I have found, and I really want to share this with you, because I think it could make a difference in a lot of your lives is I went to therapy when I was not in crisis. So what does that mean? I wasn't dealing with something in my life that was melting down. For instance, a marriage that was falling apart. I wasn't in the middle of trying to recover from some sort of trauma that I had. In fact, my life was going the best it had ever been. And you might think, why in the world then would you step into a therapist's office? Well, let me tell you, when you are standing on that hilltop feeling strong, it is one of the best opportunities for you to have a retro, a look back on your life and tackle the very things that you just never had the strength to. So let me say that again. When you are in a good place, when you are not in crisis, you have this really special opportunity to unpack some of those places in your life that you know, just aren't whole. And because you're in a state of non crisis, your ability to absorb some of the advice, feedback and even potentially, you know, relive or speak about the past is much more stronger. So I think that's sort of a secret. If you are living your best life right now and you really have no trauma, no situation, no crisis. This, my friend, is the ideal time to get therapy. Not when you're in desperate need of it because you're stuck. Now that's also a good reason to go to therapy. But I think you can dig deeper and see extreme, amazing change when you have the strength to deal with the tough stuff. So you do not need to be in crisis to give a therapist a call. I had a hairdresser who was really fun. He was the single guy. And I remember when he was cutting my hair recently, he said, I don't date anyone that hasn't been to therapy or doesn't have a therapist to call should they need it. And I thought that was sort of strange.
[00:09:55] I have always thought therapy is connected with crisis. So what are you like seeking out someone who has this crisis they're trying to fulfill or, or get through? No, he was saying, I think it is a strength, a sign of health, a sign of self awareness to have been to therapy or be in therapy. I can now understand why he said that. But I thought. I thought it was an unusual comment when I first heard it. So. One of the interesting things that I want to tell you about therapy that really has surprised me is your childhood really did do something to your personality. It really did form who you are today. I've, you know, read all these things about attachment style. I can drop a ton of things into the notes about what secured attachment is, what insecure attachment is, what anxious style is, what avoidant style is, and all of those, you know, I. I think all of us have some sort of. Okay, yeah, I feel like I'm more of an anxious or. Or whatnot. But I gotta tell you, I'm one of those really lucky people who. I feel like my childhood was pretty amazing. I had two loving parents who were not divorced. In fact, they very rarely fought. I remember one time they got into an argument and I thought, oh, no, is this what divorce looks like? I was so lucky to have such a loving example of what a relationship looks like. And I didn't experience any financial challenges growing up. I wouldn't say that we were dripping in diamonds, but I certainly could go to the summer camp that I wanted to. My dad was able to buy me a GMC Jimmy when I turned 16. And for the most part, any sports or anything was available to me. I didn't have a lack. So there was no. No serious financial crisis, no bankruptcy. I didn't experience any physical abuse, which is absolutely heartbreaking to think that so many of my friends and you listeners have. I didn't have what I would refer to as traditional trauma. And I always thought, I get it how those traumatic experiences, the major ones, like seeing your parents divorce or experiencing a death of your sibling or your parent very early, something really terrible that. It just makes me sad even thinking about children going through those things when they're not fully mature to understand them. But I thought, I'm like, not the person who was affected by my childhood. I had a great childhood. And it was really interesting to unpack, moment by moment, year by year, some of the behaviors that I learned as a child that I carried in to my adulthood. And I really struggled with coming to terms with some of that because I'm very close with my parents right now, and I don't feel like blaming them for anything is like, the path forward. But this is not about blame. This is about understanding why you behave the way you do. And ultimately, as a child, you learned a behavior and you repeat it because it worked. So I want to give you a real personal example here of something that I've unpacked in therapy. My parents, they were very, very busy and involved in all sorts of leadership positions, whether in corporate world or volunteering. And I really took it upon myself to be nice, not have a lot of needs. And if I needed something, to really not speak about it and find a way to solve it myself. So what I did was I became resourceful. And that has benefited me as an adult because I learned to figure things out and to dive in and rely on myself. But I now experience a very challenging time asking for help, and in particular in romantic relationships, telling people what I need, even basic things that you might think, oh, of course your partner would do something like this. I've struggled to ask.
[00:14:53] So, you know, this is still something that I'm learning day by day. And I'm getting stronger and stronger as far as my ability to ask for help, understand that that's not a weakness, and understand that actually some needs are not quote, unquote, needy. They are just how loving relationships operate. That's been something that I've really had to unpack. So, needless to say, for those of you who experienced a really difficult childhood, my heart goes out to you. Those of you that had a great childhood, you still have some things to work through. And figuring those pieces out doesn't mean that there was some crazy big trauma. It just means that you might be able to better understand who you are today and if it makes sense, try to unlearn behaviors that no longer serve you. So I thought that was worth sharing with you. That was a mind blower for me. I did not think that my childhood had really much of a consequence on who I am today. Turned out it really did. Gonna put a little asterisk on this here and let you know that this. Has one given me so much grace to my parents? They did the best they could with the resources they had, and boy, did they have abundant resources. But as a parent myself, being really, really aware of how my behaviors affect my children and how that will then, you know, translate into who they are as an adult. It's hard being a parent. In fact, I think it's probably the hardest job I've ever been given. Although I believe we need to have so much grace for ourselves, I think being conscious of some of these things as we navigate parenthood will help us avoid some of the larger mistakes that are sometimes easy to make. So I wanted to throw that in to all you parents out there. This one was a really surprising one for me. And I'm going to ask all of you to tell me if you've done this too. Drop a note in the chat or something. Reach out to me on dm. Have you experienced how easy it is to lie to your therapist? Okay, so some of you are, are probably laughing. Why in the world would you pay to speak to somebody and lie to them? Well, I'll tell you. Sometimes when you verbally work through a problem with somebody and make a commitment to changing, you have to then come back the next week and talk about how you. How you did or didn't implement that, what did you do with it? In fact, sometimes it's so easy to not even mention a problem because you simply don't want to deal with it with your therapist. You know that that means it's reality. This is for real. There have been multiple times, my friends, when I have been driving into my weekly therapy appointment and I normally put together a list of things that I want to work through or that I want to talk through and get some feedback. And my like, ego or protection mechanism somewhere inside of me says, don't talk about that. That's kind of hard. Yeah, why don't you just avoid that one? Just deal with it later. If you hear those voices, those are the very things you need to tackle first. I have struggled some days driving in and knowing that I had to tackle something really crazy. I'm not going to say crazy. I'm going to say challenging and, or making some sort of commitment and then not following through with it during the last week like I said I would. Having a therapist for me keeps me accountable. I often speak about what I want to do about something. Now that I know the problem or I understand myself more, then I have to walk back in, you know, the following week. And, you know, how did you speak your needs this week, Karen? And it's very easy to say, oh, you know, I did this and this. Sometimes I just have to report that I absolutely failed and it was really hard. Other times, I'm able to celebrate what I'm working on. But there's this strange conundrum of wanting to please your therapist or, you know, appear better than you are. You know, therapists see everyone all over the place in all walks of life. And, and really, if you don't trust your therapist enough to be truly who you are, you might not be with the right therapist or you need to take a real hard look at why you're investing in the first place. So I would challenge you if you're on your way to your therapist's office or you're maybe considering therapy and you're like, oh, man, I just don't want to tackle this. It's just going to be too much. That, my friend, is the very issue you should start with because something somewhere inside of you is ashamed or, you know, just struggling. So I wanted to share that. I have talked with friends who have had the same experience of this, like, wanting to please or lie to their therapist. And I thought it was sort of stupid at first and now I totally get it. In fact, my therapist knows when I'm borderline stretching things, and she has this look that she knows me and she can sense my body language is off and she doesn't, you know, attack me, but she redirects me kindly into the truth. So what a blessed blessing that I have someone who knows me so well that can do that. Okay, this is an interesting insight I'd like to share with you. Is therapy expensive? And I'm gonna say, ooh, I cringe when I say this. Actually, it is. It is an investment in yourself that is so worth it that anything you're putting towards therapy is worth the value of the money and time that you are putting into it, just to be totally frank. So you all know, like, what my situation looks like. I pay $220 for one hour with my therapist on a weekly basis. My insurance does cover a portion of that, maybe 50 bucks or so. It helps offset the cost, so I definitely use it. But I've had to forego other things like some great handbags and, you know, whatever it is that I want to buy that month. I prioritize spending that money in therapy because it really pays dividends everywhere else in my life. So, yes, therapy is expensive. If you have insurance, be sure to use it. Small little asterisks here. I know. Maybe like 15 years ago I remember hearing this weird, like, rumor that if you, you know, use insurance to pay for therapy and you're getting a job with like, the CIA or, you know, some sort of really high level job, they're going to have access to your medical records and that's going to show weakness and you won't get it. That's a bunch of crap. Okay? That's a bunch of crap. So I don't know why I even believed that for a hot second. I did. It is not true and it should not be a reason why you don't seek therapy. I want to tell you that finding the right therapist is important.
[00:22:45] And one of the Things that I want to encourage you to do is to look for someone who is your age or even older. I have found that about a decade is really a great kind of age difference for me. I still relate to the person culturally, pop culture, you know, all the. All the things and all the ways that we grew up. But they have a different level of wisdom than I do because they've been around 10 years longer. So I might. I don't know, I might redirect you. If you're looking at very, very young therapists and you're in middle age, I think that you could probably find someone more experienced who might connect with you more. But I'm going to throw a. A curveball at you. This one is tough, but I'm gonna throw it out there anyway. If you are wanting to work on something specifically, why in the world would you pay someone who hasn't gone through it or can't relate to it to give you advice? Now, this is a tough one. I think there's a lot of good therapists. For instance, my mom is a therapist. She. She has never been divorced. How is she gonna help someone get through a divorce? Well, I hope that my story and all the stuff that I went through during my absolutely terrible divorce can help someone else, because she saw me go through that, but now she understands. I don't know. I don't know. One of the things that I'm kind of jockeying with right now is I have some parenting skills that I wanna work on. My therapist is not a parent. She doesn't know what it's like to have three kids running around and trying to work full time and all the things. So is she the right person to give me the advice I'm seeking? I've always ascribed to this one saying, and I'm going to botch it, but I'll throw it out there anyway. You should only take advice from people you'd want to exchange places with. So if you are asking your girlfriend advice about financial prosperity and they are actually in massive amounts of debt and struggling, probably not the best person to get financial advice from. I sort of think that that applies in other areas in our lives too. I just want to throw that out there as something that I think about. And I do think that seeking advice, if you're looking to master some sort of area, say, relationships, if you can find a therapist who has been married for a long time, or at least been married for a substantial, you know, two to three years, at least they understand what it's like to be In a marriage, if you want to seek support from someone about infertility struggles you have, it is amazing to know that your therapist had a lot of pregnancy losses or couldn't get pregnant or adopted. So I do think that as you make your way around and meet different therapists, read their, read their bios on their website, connect with someone who has been there, done that, and can give you valid advice. I really wanted to share that because it was important to me and on my heart. Okay. I think the last and most surprising piece about therapy that really has just come to me recently is I have been in a relationship for the last two, two and a half, almost three years, and my partner is not in therapy. He's not, actually, I don't think, a huge fan of therapy, and I am. And so how does it look when one person in a relationship decides to work on themselves and the other person would prefer to seek other ways to do that? Books, podcasts, friends, self reflection, whatever it is. And you know what? The most interesting pieces that I, I'm excited to share with you is that my change in behaviors, the way that I navigate our relationship, has really, really improved because of what I've learned about myself in therapy. And I'm able to be the partner that I want him to be. And when he sees me asking for help, being vulnerable, doing the things that I used to struggle with, it's the most amazing thing because he emulates it right back to me. And if you can step up to your relationship and bring the pieces that you think are missing because you've worked on them in therapy, what is really so cool is I'll call it like therapy by osmosis. They, in turn, possibly most likely will make adjustments and, or changes simply because you have, and they're working so well for you and your partner. I really loved that I, I have seen so much growth in my boyfriend, my partner, while I have been in therapy because I've been able to change how I act, what I do, and I've seen him do the same. So I want to share with you that if you have a partner, a child, a boss, I don't know, I guess you wouldn't go to therapy with your boss. But if you have an important person in your life that isn't attending therapy alongside you, you still have a very, very high chance of impacting that relationship because of how you present yourself, how you bring yourself to the table, the changes that you make. Now, we all know that we can only control ourselves, and change is always up to the individual. I really truly think that you can foster change, make it a safe place for change if you do it yourself. Okay, that is our episode today on therapy Middle Age. I hope it brought you some interesting insights on what you might be able to expect if you seek therapy. Or maybe the next time you hear of a friend in therapy, make sure to congratulate them that they are working on themselves, they are investing in themselves and trying to live their best middle aged life. Thanks for listening and that brings us to the end of another episode. I hope you enjoyed the content and I'd love it if you would share this with a friend, friend or family that you think would enjoy it. This is such a great time, middle Age and I want to spread that message. The best way to do that is to share it. And if you haven't already followed us or subscribed, make sure to do that so you don't miss any of our new content.
[00:30:04] I'm going to leave you like I do every episode. Remember, it's never too late, you're not too old, and you're definitely not dead.
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